A poignant story. While I’ve never quite descended to hell like you did, I resonate with the experience of surrendering to the greater thing (or God) and then having this transformative feeling of rebirth and a new appreciation for life. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I have not experienced enough of a Dark Night. It often feels like I just haven’t gone quite deep enough to really get whatever it is I need to get, because if I had how come I still don’t live life according to the lessons? It’s as if I’m just comfortable enough with my life as it is, with just enough to hold on to, that I’m complacent in my soul’s stagnation. And I know that, like water, a stagnant soul turns murky and nasty.
The tension between knowing and living, between insight and embodiment that you're describing is a part of the path. I resonate with that feeling of “just enough comfort” to keep the soul from breaking open, even when you know something deeper is being asked of you. Although I've had this Dark Night experience over a decade ago, I can feel a part of me wants to be broken open again, yet I'm also scared to death of venturing there.
A Dark Night isn’t something to chase. It comes, often uninvited, when we are ready, or when life deems it necessary. And sometimes the most profound transformations arise not from dramatic descent, but from slowly composting the parts of ourselves that no longer serve. Just like in nature, where decay nourishes growth in its own time.
I think the stagnation you feel is a signal. Like still water that eventually seeks movement, your soul is speaking. Maybe it’s not about going “deeper,” but becoming more attuned to the quiet invitations already around you. In the wilderness, in the body, in the breath, in discomfort, in restlessness, etc.
Keep listening. If you aren't practicing yet, develop a practice.
There’s a lot here. I need to read and have time to self reflect.
“Visions of violent war, global famine, nauseating illness and environmental destruction. I saw and felt addiction, rape, loss, scandal, disaster, betrayal, judgement, despair, dread, hopelessness, humiliation, guilt, failure, shame, death.”
Yes. That’s what I’ve experienced. That along with my childhood NDE, intergenerational trauma, experiences with archangels, it’s difficult to reconcile. It feels very heavy. I’m reading the Grof article you suggested. Thanks for offering that. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I’m finally getting a sense that other people might be able to relate thanks to Substack.
Good question. On some level, I think other components of this experience, like being damned by God leads to forward propulsion through a need for redemption.
Il be digging into the idea of redemption in the next parts!
How would you recommend someone get the benefits of this trip without the risks associated with it? Seems like it helped you but could’ve easily gone bad
I have a supportive family and a relatively healthy mind to thank, as well as serendipity (my mom bought me a book about Buddhism at the same time I started taking psychedelics). Buddhism, yoga and meditation helped me integrate this trip. I was fortunate to have the right pieces in place.
I wouldn't recommend anyone "try" to have this trip. I certainly wasn't trying. It was an accident, but also my destiny, I feel. If someone were to experience something similar, I'd recommend finding a transpersonal therapist, learning about Buddhism, yoga and / or any other spiritual tradition that speaks to them, practicing / dedicating oneself to a spiritual practice, and focusing on integrating the experience.
A poignant story. While I’ve never quite descended to hell like you did, I resonate with the experience of surrendering to the greater thing (or God) and then having this transformative feeling of rebirth and a new appreciation for life. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I have not experienced enough of a Dark Night. It often feels like I just haven’t gone quite deep enough to really get whatever it is I need to get, because if I had how come I still don’t live life according to the lessons? It’s as if I’m just comfortable enough with my life as it is, with just enough to hold on to, that I’m complacent in my soul’s stagnation. And I know that, like water, a stagnant soul turns murky and nasty.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
The tension between knowing and living, between insight and embodiment that you're describing is a part of the path. I resonate with that feeling of “just enough comfort” to keep the soul from breaking open, even when you know something deeper is being asked of you. Although I've had this Dark Night experience over a decade ago, I can feel a part of me wants to be broken open again, yet I'm also scared to death of venturing there.
A Dark Night isn’t something to chase. It comes, often uninvited, when we are ready, or when life deems it necessary. And sometimes the most profound transformations arise not from dramatic descent, but from slowly composting the parts of ourselves that no longer serve. Just like in nature, where decay nourishes growth in its own time.
I think the stagnation you feel is a signal. Like still water that eventually seeks movement, your soul is speaking. Maybe it’s not about going “deeper,” but becoming more attuned to the quiet invitations already around you. In the wilderness, in the body, in the breath, in discomfort, in restlessness, etc.
Keep listening. If you aren't practicing yet, develop a practice.
Thanks again for hanging around here.
There’s a lot here. I need to read and have time to self reflect.
“Visions of violent war, global famine, nauseating illness and environmental destruction. I saw and felt addiction, rape, loss, scandal, disaster, betrayal, judgement, despair, dread, hopelessness, humiliation, guilt, failure, shame, death.”
Yes. That’s what I’ve experienced. That along with my childhood NDE, intergenerational trauma, experiences with archangels, it’s difficult to reconcile. It feels very heavy. I’m reading the Grof article you suggested. Thanks for offering that. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I’m finally getting a sense that other people might be able to relate thanks to Substack.
Beautiful story.
I’m so glad you had the wisdom and ability to stay still when the thoughts of self harm occurred.
It’s funny how the solution is often surrender and stillness!
Lately I’ve been wondering how we can develop the opposite qualities, if bold action and forward propulsion
I wonder if there’s a meditative or psychedelic dark night equivalent for cultivating proactive effort
Thank you, and me too :)
Good question. On some level, I think other components of this experience, like being damned by God leads to forward propulsion through a need for redemption.
Il be digging into the idea of redemption in the next parts!
wow, thank u for sharing & illustrating so honestly. glad u survived to tell the tale 💜
How would you recommend someone get the benefits of this trip without the risks associated with it? Seems like it helped you but could’ve easily gone bad
I have a supportive family and a relatively healthy mind to thank, as well as serendipity (my mom bought me a book about Buddhism at the same time I started taking psychedelics). Buddhism, yoga and meditation helped me integrate this trip. I was fortunate to have the right pieces in place.
I wouldn't recommend anyone "try" to have this trip. I certainly wasn't trying. It was an accident, but also my destiny, I feel. If someone were to experience something similar, I'd recommend finding a transpersonal therapist, learning about Buddhism, yoga and / or any other spiritual tradition that speaks to them, practicing / dedicating oneself to a spiritual practice, and focusing on integrating the experience.