Rediscovering Myself

And thoughts on social-media and spirituality

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It never ends. If content is king, I’ve been enslaved. I have been consumed by the internet and programmed by the slot-machines of the technological era: social-media.

The feed is infinite, quite literally. Social-media companies have developed the feed into a digital firehose that I can no longer drink from. And the hose has been poisoned with advertisements and suggestions I don’t care about. So I’ve logged off, mostly.

Over the last year I’ve divorced myself from social-media. Long ago, I turned off all notifications from my phone, except for phone calls, calendar and reminders. The freedom I subsequently discovered led me to seek more freedom from my phone. A few months ago, I deleted all social-media apps. I now use my phone when I need it rather than my phone using me when companies want my attention.

I deleted social-media apps in an effort to waste less of my life staring into a small screen, and spend more of my life enjoying the numinous beauty of the present which I’m continually uncovering through spiritual practices I have more time for without social-media. The more I wake up to the spirit of the moment, the less I want to scroll my soul into oblivion.

I’m not going to tell you to quit social-media and pick up spiritual practices. I’m just reflecting on my experience with quitting social-media and rediscovering myself. Although, if any of the following speaks to you, I encourage you to experiment.

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What was once a fun app to share photos with friends has morphed into a wannabe TikTok attached to a a useless shopping mall while what used to be the front page of my internet has turned into a boated digital content machine hosting comment wars I no longer care for. Once my favourite social-media for its peculiar ability to connect me with like-minded professionals and lifelong friends, the bird app is turning into an attention-seeking whore with an algorithmic pimp. My favourite place to watch videos has become a dangerous recommendations vortex I have to claw my way out of. Instagram, Reddit Twitter, and Youtube have become detriments to my life.

I need a change of scenery. I began using social-media, beginning with Facebook (which I didn’t mention because I stopped using that trash more than 5 years ago), over a decade ago. Meaning, I don’t know what my mind, let alone my life, is like without social-media. I’m a child of the internet. I grew up scrolling through these blocks. Feeding my mind digital content on a nearly daily basis has become normal even though I increasingly feel like it isn’t. I don’t want to consume the internet’s content anymore. I want to be present to life and create my own roadshow.

“We have to create culture, don’t watch TV, don’t read magazines, don’t even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe, and if you’re worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are disempowered, you’re giving it all away to icons, icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion, and what is real is you and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears. And we are told ‘non’, we’re unimportant, we’re peripheral. ‘Get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that.’ And then you’re a player, you don’t even want to play in that game. Reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that’s being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world.”

— Terrence McKenna

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I’ve experienced life without Instagram for the past 6 months, and it feels good. Not comparing myself to other people, eliminating one of my dozen sources of messages, and not feeling a compulsion to scroll has given me a taste of freedom I want more of.

I’ve given up consuming Reddit, although I revisit it occasionally to support people in psychedelic related subreddits, to give back to communities that once generously and freely supported me through difficult times. I’m working on Twitter and Youtube. These are much harder to eliminate because I still enjoy them, but I’m getting there.

After many months without Instagram and Reddit, going back feels boring. I occasionally login to see what’s going on, but I log out soon after because it isn’t compelling anymore. I’d rather read a book or write this essay. After spending time away from these feeds, returning to them has revealed how shallow and uninteresting they actually are compared to what’s available outside the screen. As I persistently improve the quality of my awareness through spiritual practice, scrolling through feeds has started to feel like feeding my mind McDonalds, and I don’t like McDonalds.

The less social-media I consume, the less captivating social-media has become.

The more I improve the quality of awareness, the more captivating the world becomes.

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I’ve been “rediscovering myself” since I went temporarily insane and underwent a spiritual awakening on acid a decade ago. Yet it’s taken most of the decade to realize how social-media was an obstacle to furthering this spiritual process of self-discovery.

It’s difficult to know myself when I’m regularly feeding my mind the thoughts, ideas and opinions of others. Overwhelm and distraction have been frequent guests to my life over the past few years. By splitting from digital media I’ve realized how I’ve given the world wide web complete access to my mind. My inner voice drowned as millions of voices I read and watched and listened to on the internet took free residence.

Taking time away from social-media demonstrated how my self and my desires were tangled with the many selves and many desires I encountered online. As I repeatedly take time off social-media and cultivate presence, my self and desires have simplified. Many things I thought I wanted to be, I don’t actually want to be. I just wanted to be those things because that seemed like a cool thing to be according to the content I consumed and the people I followed. Many things I thought I wanted, I don’t actually want. I just wanted those things because people and companies want me to want them (this is basis of mimetic theory which you can learn more about from Luke).

Rediscovering parts of me I had forgotten or lost, parts that were buried under the ideas and opinions of others, I’m becoming acquainted with long-lost parts which I am reconnecting to more deeply through self-expression. As the process of media purging and spiritual practicing unfolds, I’m rediscovering my self by reconnecting to the creative potential that was buried under thoughts and ideas that weren’t my own.

I can now do art and create my own roadshow.

"When your attention is attuned to content, the mind stops imagining, the body stops sensing, the heart stops feeling, the neurochemistry becomes dependant, and the tactile nature of experience is lost."

— Boyd Varty

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As I continue my spiritual practices, specifically meditation, breathwork and writing, and continue to turn down the internet’s volume, I rediscover myself in a state of calm, joy and ease. I feel more focused and self-directed, while I no longer get tugged in various directions by the echoes of @justanotherguy’s tweets, captions, comments or photos. I no longer judge myself harshly from comparing myself to @aseeminglegend.

I’m not distracted by an overstimulated mind. I can more easily feel into my body. My breathwork teacher, Robin, told me that it is through the body that we get to know spirit. Through an increasingly calm mind and growing awareness of bodily sensations, I’m finding this to be true. The body is our path to spirit.

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I’m going on a Vipassana retreat today. This will be my third 10-day silent retreat. When I get back, I’m going to stay off all social-media, including Twitter and Youtube. If you’d like to get in touch with me. Please comment here.

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Thanks for reading and sharing your time and attention. If you enjoyed reading, please tap the “heart” and / or share this essay with a friend you think may enjoy it too. This will stimulate my dopamine system and motivate me to write more.

Find me @yogacid in the twitterverse.

Om. Amen.

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