I stand in my way. Almost literally. There’s a little me standing tall in a wide stance with arms on his hips, and he’s in the way of all the other parts of me. Out of fear he judges everyone, including all my other parts. He’s the part of my ego that says awful things when I hurt myself and encounter failure, or that stops me from doing things that put me at risk of failure or imperfection.
In all honesty, the little standing me is frightened, although he pretends not to be. He also professes to know what’s best for all the other parts of me. This little standing me is a part of who I am, and I’m learning to recognize and accept him through IFS and mettā. Most recently, I’m discovering that he stood in my way of my creativity.
Little standing me’s fear of judgement from my other selves and other people has limited my ability to express all that I am. I could blame other people for being judgemental, but that would be little standing me pointing fingers.
None of you care about me the way I do, which is an immense relief.
As I learn to love myself through mettā practices and accept all that makes me who I am, the little standing me relaxes his stance, looks around, feels comfortable for the first time, and sits on the floor. As he slowly becomes little sitting me, a path appears for all the other parts of me to come forward and express themselves freely, without fear. All the other parts give thanks to little sitting me. And little sitting me cries.
That means I cry. Really though, I feel tears welling up in my eyes right now.
I feel space opening up around my chest. I’m finally getting out of my way.
I’m relaxing and letting walls I’ve built around me crumble. This is a slow process. It isn’t happening overnight. It has taken years of self-healing through psychedelics, meditation, breathwork, and most recently IFS. On the other side of the walls is the light of love and the openness of self-acceptance. As the walls continue to crack, the bright light of love shines through to my soul, and a vastness is found. The light of love and the openness of self-acceptance is reprogramming me. And it feels good.
I’m letting go of my noxious ideals, and expectations that aren’t my own.
As I accept all that I am, I feel open and safe, and a seedling of creativity appears.
Accepting myself allows me to express myself without letting anyone’s judgement, including my own, stand in the way. The act of accepting myself as been and continues to be progressive. It is a gradual opening up of oneself to oneself.
As I move along my journey of self-acceptance, creativity becomes more important. Where do I direct the newfound energies, the newfound parts that have been held back by little standing me? I’m still figuring that out, but as I express myself freely, I discover who I am. One thing is clear, I’m a perfectionist. To a fault.
I only care about perfecting what I care about, and fortunately I’ve learned to care about myself. Thus as a perfectionist I struggle with accepting anything that doesn’t meet my unrealistically high ideals. I then don’t do anything that risks harming my sense of self-worth by piercing through the illusion that perfection is a possibility.
When I create something that is an expression of my soul, it has to be perfect. Everything I do has to be perfect according to little standing me otherwise I’m not worthy of love. Learning to get out of my way has been learning to be okay with doing things that are not perfect, and accepting that my art, work and self is a constant work in progress, with no end in sight.
Perfection is an ideal. Always out of reach. I can strive for it but I cannot have it. I can recognize and accept that now. I am still a perfectionist, but it doesn’t stand in my way. The attention to detail that comes from perfectionism can be channeled in healthy ways that add to creativity, rather than subtracting creativity altogether.
I was once held hostage by a little part of me who was scared of its own judgement, and yours. And thus anything I did that didn’t meet the ego’s ideal would cast me out of love. If I didn’t think I could create the perfect thing, I wouldn’t do it because the little love I had for myself was too precious to be lost. However, practicing mettā and learning to accept all that I am has allowed little standing me to relax and sit down.
He’s now sitting cross-legged like a Buddha while all the other parts of me are slowly wandering out of the shadows, at their own pace. There’s no rush, healing takes time.
Thanks to IFS and mettā, I’m finding blessings in my shadows. And you can too.
Learn more about IFS from this book and my friend Theo.
Learn more about psychedelics for healing from Psygaia.
Thanks for reading and sharing your time and attention. If you enjoyed reading, please tap the “heart” and / or share this essay with a friend you think may enjoy it too. This will stimulate my dopamine system and motivate me to write more.
Find me @yogacid in the twitterverse.
All my relations.
So glad you know of IFS too! I never thought to read a book on it though 😅
But after reading this I have to now. Self love is something I started practicing recently beginning with my discovery of Louise Hay:
https://youtu.be/Pfs_VORznI4